Friday, June 29, 2007

Vibrant Living

A disproportion of America's population is growing older. Every 7 seconds someone in America turns 55. If 30 is the new 20, than 65 is like 55 and 70 year olds can still be active. This creates a market for facilities that will promote the concept of a vibrant life for even our most seasoned neighbors. This will be a place where elderly can go to interact with others and maintain a sense of community instead of being confined to an empty nest. Vibrant Living will be a tool for businessmen and women to utilize in helping manage the schedules of their parents. This place will promote spiritual, physical, and emotional vitality for its customer. Adult day centers do not cure, but can provide necessary health care and social support, provide opportunities for friendships, decrease isolation and keep families together longer

Dear God-

I wonder could you save me? I can't go out like this. It's Friday night and I'm home alone, still hoping and praying for fulfilment. I'm lost without you. I said I was depressed out loud today. I didn't want to mean it, but I did. I'm sad, confused, and frustrated with myself. I feel like crying, maybe even giving up. I walked into a fog, my life is shadowed by an overcast that follows me day to day. I wake up from sleepless nights in a hurry to get up the highway to sit in a sea of nothingness. My daily activities do not invoke near enough the sense of accomplishment that I crave. I want to be loved by many and respected by all, to be impactful, a way maker. But I can't seem to find my niche. It can't be in what I am doing now. I find myself over taken by boredom and sometimes anger at the thought of what I am subjected to on a day to day basis. I'm not hear to say that I am better than others, but you made us differently for a reason and I ain't like most of these people. What is the good life to them is not enough for me. I believe that I can change this world... or at least those that I come into contact with. But in what way will this be done? I know things will never sustain me, but I continue to grow frustrated with my financial situation. I fear the prospect of living check to check. Please show me the way out. Rid my heart of coveting things in life that will add no value. Restore my ambition and focus. Show me the way.

Friday, June 15, 2007

What I want

I'm hard pressed to find another situation that looks better on paper. In staying with Chip for a few days I'm able to monitor his day to day activities. As a professor he's off for the summer and is afforded the privilege of watching his children grow up first hand. To be in a situation where you are able to take your children to the pool and afford to drive them there in a Lexus seems like an ideal state. He's married, has three children, works 15-30 hours a week, has been on ABC and CNN for his work, goes to Wall Street annually and make sure people are placed, he treats people fairly and his students remember him for that.

Making a difference and on my terms is my goal. Work does not have to consume my life and in fact it should be an extension of my interests. My family should be able to travel, see me, live comfortably.

If I live through God and treat people fairly I should be able to live this type of lifestyle. God wants us to be blessed and if it is his will he will position me in the right opportunity.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

What's This

So now I'm dreaming. Unconscious illustrations of how things could go wrong. A turn of events very unlikely that I'd recover from. Seeing things this way before was a bit cumbersome. But now, you don't touch me like you used to. Kinda changed things you would do. Not sure if what I hear you saying is true. But I sure do miss you. It's been a while since I kissed you. I'm just stuck here reminiscing. It's like viewing a perfectly painted picture on broken glass. I can see how it could be, just need to piece it all back together. If there is time left. Sometimes I'm not sure if you haven't already left? Or are you just about to? Hope not, can't really live without you... I don't think. You always come to devalue those with whom you constantly speak. We don't owe each other anything. You chose to share you heart. I'm greatful. From the start of things I knew that's what I wanted. The best days can't be behind. It's cool to look back, but if you do it too long you'll lose your place in line. Someone is sure to jump in front. Or at least you'd lose your pace. This thing requires a constant effort. We are in a race. Not sure if it's a sprint or a marathon, but it's definately a relay. In this together, I need you pick up when i falter, open things up when I get behind, reap the benefits when I succeed, be there when I cross the finish line. I'd prefer you cheer me on to keep going. Finish lines are too final. Push me forward. Latch on and come to. I've read once or twice that one can't compare with two. Two of two parts equal a whole. There's a whole lot more you can do with a whole. You can put two parts together and it will cover up a hole. That means if you got all the parts than you can do some repairing. Guess that means there's hope. I'm excited. Hope means that I can't give up. So I won't.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Maybe I'm Not

That deep...
Could it be that I take myself too seriously? I might not be what I thought. Could just be that I should relax and take things in stride. Life's not that bad, I have things to be greatful for. I have found a great love and am now in search of my passion. That's something to live for!

Monday, June 11, 2007

You should

You should be happy with me, think of all the places we have gone and things we have seen. You should be happy because the experiences we have had would not have been the same if you were there alone. Don't you remember sitting in your closet crying, promising to be a better man? You were frustrated then because you wanted to be great. You needed to excel at everything to compensate for the fear of failure and I was there to push you through. It was me that saw you accomplish the goals we set. Remember when you were told you were good enough to play in college. that time you caught that pass when you were a freshman, what about that time you dove and caught that touchdown at the end of the game when you were young? Success feels good doesn't it? I know... I was there and I remember what it was like. I remember you being VP of Al-Ka-Pals them bourgueise people didn't know what to do, you did science fairs, served as class president, played ball in college, graduated. It's been a decent life man... you should be happy.

I know there is more out here. We can go get it. You gotta believe in him and me and it's a done deal. I know you are not sure where that is that we are going, but I promise it's going to be a good ride. We are going to get through this time and it will be all good.

A Bunch of Something

I’m pretty sure that since the first thing I thought about this morning is you, that I should attempt to help you understand what I’ve been thinking about. I woke up in the middle of the night to check my box and see if you had been compelled to communicate my way. I wonder what you spend time doing when I’m unconscious to the world and not reachable. I have been thinking about the situation and what’s best for me and you. I mean I took a knee and said my prayers and defaulted to asking for direction for the next step in this relationship’s progression. I’m thinking that I couldn’t be happy with any one else, I’d just hope to see you add a few things to your resume, not trying to change you, more like have you see things my way, just a little more often at least. I respect the challenging stance you take on my views, but sometimes we must learn to make sense of things sensibly, there’s no need to personally attack, degrade, or discount the feelings of one another. I want you to challenge yourself and not go into autopilot (the valley girl routine is not a good look on you), I need you to make me a better me, and I’ll promise to do the same. In you I see such potential, you are going to fine all the way through the time I check out of here and then on and on until it’s your turn. I believe you to have such a sincere spirit, once you to believe in something it is all hands on deck, I like that… It’s a challenge to get you to understand things when you see no value, I understand that’s human nature, I just hope that you grow to be more willing to listen. I’ll do a better job of organizing my thoughts. I want a less intense interaction. I want to talk to you about getting $20.00 boxers or you matching top and bottom, not always focused on when I’m supposed to be closing the deal. The truth is… the hold up is that I want to feel more comfortable with the day to day interaction and my ability to handle my part. It’s a tough thought to capture because I want what we have just at different levels of intensities. I want to be the leader, but I want you to contribute. I want to feel like you respect my opinion, but don’t want you to depend on me to have all the answers. I want to feel like you NEED me emotionally and physically, but I don’t want it forced, I wish it to be a natural attraction. I want you to appease me and that it is because you feel the same way I do, not because it’s what you think I want. For me I want to leave here with no regrets, and know that I did my best to be my best at whatever God has for me. I realize that doesn’t mean I have to be the next CEO, but it does mean I have to tap into this “potential”. I am hard on myself, because I believe I am destined to do something impactful in this world. Do you see me like that? It’s hard for me to accept the mundane that defines my day to day life today. I do know that if this is what I HAD to do to support us, I’d make it happen. But for now I want to continue to search for my place in this world, we still have options. I’m more than certain that’s something to come from God, and I don’t know when it will be revealed. I want you to be along for the ride. I just don’t want to ask you to commit to one thing and then I change my mind and ask you to do something else, that’s not fair. My mind is all over the place and sometimes it’s no place at all. Sometimes I’m afraid that my time to leave here is coming soon because I can’t see the future. I have always been goal oriented, focus and determination our two my core skill sets. They don’t seem applicable now because I have not been able to sketch how I’d like to fill in the rest of my life. Can you help with that? My only escape is running, for a few minutes it invokes a euphoric state, then it starts to hurt and I don’t want to do it anymore. I push myself through because I like the feeling of knowing that I challenged myself to do something uncomfortable and it worked out… I enjoy the reinforcement that I am capable. I have to remind myself of that more often than ever before. It keeps me from crying because I am so over come with feelings of underachievement that it become unbearable at times, I guess I’ve got a lot on my mind, and that’s not the half. I could go on for hours but the organization of this text is beginning to annoy me. I guess it’s reflective of how my mind has been going as of late. Unable to concentrate on one particular thing, I bring myself to be physically tired in an attempt to figure it all out.