Sunday, June 29, 2008

Day 2

I told myself I would never again go a day without talking with you. Even when I traveled to the D.R. a piece of me was not at ease because I was unable to hear your voice. Now to know that you don't want to ever talk to me again - a part of me is dying (dead). It must be like the gut wrenching pain a mother feels when giving birth - except with this no good thing is born into my life. I'm lost -

"When you aren't there I'm no place, just lost in time & space." - Ronald Reagan

You said "I don't want to be with you" and the words hit me harder than all the years of football contact combined. I can't say this was a suprise - it has been a long time coming and in most respects my own doing. Inaction -

It had been over 3 years we'd been together and I had even known before we hooked up that I wanted you. I knew what I wanted - the only thing that I wanted and I figured you understood and loved me enough to deal with me for the period of time in took for me to get the rest in order. Clearly that is a foolish expectation. This was by far the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. If I'm ever given the opportunity to love again I will be sure that she sees and knows it everyday.

I put too much into success. I saw that it included her but instead of cultivating what I had I instead focused on everything else I wanted to achieve. Now I'm numb. II can't focus on something for more that an a few seconds without having an overwhelming emptiness over come me. I think about the good and bad and am left with the realization that I overlooked so much. She was there during the best and worst times even when tired or otherwise disinterested on her own recognizance. Now I see that I had love in living color but failed to receive it.

I have a strong desire to have her only but knowing "she's not there" Should I keep pushing or give her the space she needs... God - time will tell.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Mind blowing + heart wrenching + stomach turning + insides reeling + dry eyed+ cold sweat + swollen knee+ aching back + lost without you + no where to turn + confused + head throbbing +lost pride +no self - confidence+ swaggerless + head down + slouching + demoralizing + can't think + can't speak + can't stand - PAIN

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Everytime I pick up the call and don't get an answer it is a shot to my confidence. It hurts to know that I don't have someone that feels for me enough to listen. It's a humbling proposition to consider how alone one can be in this world. I am capable of loving and giving of myself. So why am I not accepted by others? I hate myself sometimes because it hurts so much to be alone and I have no way of knowing how to improve the situation.

I'm tired of crying. I'd rather know that it was someone else that has taken my place vs. her deciding that she'd just rather not deal with me. I'm so weak inside to think that I need another person.

I get this pain in my stomach. A long aching sensation that symbolizes the discontent I have with lonliness. It is the personification of lone wolf syndrome. I have no one to call my own and I'm missing hearing words like "baby, how was your day" and " I miss you". No one thinks I'm that special. I'm invisible to happiness. I have considered ending it for myself, but the propset of eternal damnation is not so inviting. O lord - please save me from myself. My frustrations, anxieties, fears, emotional instability, heartache, depression - save me Jesus because I can't do it by myself.