Monday, June 11, 2007

A Bunch of Something

I’m pretty sure that since the first thing I thought about this morning is you, that I should attempt to help you understand what I’ve been thinking about. I woke up in the middle of the night to check my box and see if you had been compelled to communicate my way. I wonder what you spend time doing when I’m unconscious to the world and not reachable. I have been thinking about the situation and what’s best for me and you. I mean I took a knee and said my prayers and defaulted to asking for direction for the next step in this relationship’s progression. I’m thinking that I couldn’t be happy with any one else, I’d just hope to see you add a few things to your resume, not trying to change you, more like have you see things my way, just a little more often at least. I respect the challenging stance you take on my views, but sometimes we must learn to make sense of things sensibly, there’s no need to personally attack, degrade, or discount the feelings of one another. I want you to challenge yourself and not go into autopilot (the valley girl routine is not a good look on you), I need you to make me a better me, and I’ll promise to do the same. In you I see such potential, you are going to fine all the way through the time I check out of here and then on and on until it’s your turn. I believe you to have such a sincere spirit, once you to believe in something it is all hands on deck, I like that… It’s a challenge to get you to understand things when you see no value, I understand that’s human nature, I just hope that you grow to be more willing to listen. I’ll do a better job of organizing my thoughts. I want a less intense interaction. I want to talk to you about getting $20.00 boxers or you matching top and bottom, not always focused on when I’m supposed to be closing the deal. The truth is… the hold up is that I want to feel more comfortable with the day to day interaction and my ability to handle my part. It’s a tough thought to capture because I want what we have just at different levels of intensities. I want to be the leader, but I want you to contribute. I want to feel like you respect my opinion, but don’t want you to depend on me to have all the answers. I want to feel like you NEED me emotionally and physically, but I don’t want it forced, I wish it to be a natural attraction. I want you to appease me and that it is because you feel the same way I do, not because it’s what you think I want. For me I want to leave here with no regrets, and know that I did my best to be my best at whatever God has for me. I realize that doesn’t mean I have to be the next CEO, but it does mean I have to tap into this “potential”. I am hard on myself, because I believe I am destined to do something impactful in this world. Do you see me like that? It’s hard for me to accept the mundane that defines my day to day life today. I do know that if this is what I HAD to do to support us, I’d make it happen. But for now I want to continue to search for my place in this world, we still have options. I’m more than certain that’s something to come from God, and I don’t know when it will be revealed. I want you to be along for the ride. I just don’t want to ask you to commit to one thing and then I change my mind and ask you to do something else, that’s not fair. My mind is all over the place and sometimes it’s no place at all. Sometimes I’m afraid that my time to leave here is coming soon because I can’t see the future. I have always been goal oriented, focus and determination our two my core skill sets. They don’t seem applicable now because I have not been able to sketch how I’d like to fill in the rest of my life. Can you help with that? My only escape is running, for a few minutes it invokes a euphoric state, then it starts to hurt and I don’t want to do it anymore. I push myself through because I like the feeling of knowing that I challenged myself to do something uncomfortable and it worked out… I enjoy the reinforcement that I am capable. I have to remind myself of that more often than ever before. It keeps me from crying because I am so over come with feelings of underachievement that it become unbearable at times, I guess I’ve got a lot on my mind, and that’s not the half. I could go on for hours but the organization of this text is beginning to annoy me. I guess it’s reflective of how my mind has been going as of late. Unable to concentrate on one particular thing, I bring myself to be physically tired in an attempt to figure it all out.


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