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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

MySpace

There's this place I know. It's not really secluded. But I go there and have adopted it as my own. When I'm there I use it as a time to reflect, hoping to get a better sense of myself. Everytime I go, I tell myself it won't be as long before I return. Life always seems better after I take that time to visit. I guess there must be a breaking point that I must reach before I am allowed to make it back because I never seem to frequent the place as often as I would like.

I spent time there tonight. I was left trying to deal with some holes that, undoubtedly, will take a while to heal. After all the clich├ęs I'd turn my nose at, I'm out here, missing the one thing that made me different. I'm not sure how one comes to expect to 'overachieve', but really it had become the norm. And now that I'm away from it all, living a normal life, I'm struggling. It's to the point where sometimes I just want to scream out! The sad thing is I can't, because I really don't have anything to say. My mind is telling me that I must refuse to accept mediocrity. I had conditioned myself all these years to stand out, now I don't even feel comfortable that I am even competitive at what I do everyday. It's like I'm wasting my life. Success had always come to me. Often times at little to no effort of my own. I guess when you love what you are doing, the level of commitment is heightened and your awareness of how much you put into it is less. Or, I could have just been at the right place at the right time. I'd say the later is more reasonable, because I really don't feel like I've ever given my all to anything. Secretly I find myself to be quite unsure, and questioning of myself.

All I heard my whole life is how much talent and potential I had. Was that confined to the playing field? Do I have any skills that carry over into the real world? I'm not sure how to "train" myself up for this phase of life. Before now, I would run extra and lift heavier weights to the point of nausea. I could quantify what it took from me to be competitive. Now, nothing seems defined. Success seems to be this arbitrary, finite concept, something that is unattainable. It's so frustrating. I sometimes find myself overcome with emotion, wanting to quit. Quit! But I know I can't that. At the very least my past has taught me that sticking it out leads itself to some form of success. Yet, even that is not always true. I often wonder why others have good fortune in my place. I'm quickly reminded that we all have our issues that we must handle and, sub sequentially; I must trust that God has a plan for my life. I do believe this, and it's only sometimes that I wonder if I'm doing my part to get to where God wants me to be.

I'm really not sure where I have gone wrong, because even now I can't put together a complete thought to even articulate this blog to a satisfactory level. It's sad times out here.