Sunday, June 29, 2008

Day 2

I told myself I would never again go a day without talking with you. Even when I traveled to the D.R. a piece of me was not at ease because I was unable to hear your voice. Now to know that you don't want to ever talk to me again - a part of me is dying (dead). It must be like the gut wrenching pain a mother feels when giving birth - except with this no good thing is born into my life. I'm lost -

"When you aren't there I'm no place, just lost in time & space." - Ronald Reagan

You said "I don't want to be with you" and the words hit me harder than all the years of football contact combined. I can't say this was a suprise - it has been a long time coming and in most respects my own doing. Inaction -

It had been over 3 years we'd been together and I had even known before we hooked up that I wanted you. I knew what I wanted - the only thing that I wanted and I figured you understood and loved me enough to deal with me for the period of time in took for me to get the rest in order. Clearly that is a foolish expectation. This was by far the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. If I'm ever given the opportunity to love again I will be sure that she sees and knows it everyday.

I put too much into success. I saw that it included her but instead of cultivating what I had I instead focused on everything else I wanted to achieve. Now I'm numb. II can't focus on something for more that an a few seconds without having an overwhelming emptiness over come me. I think about the good and bad and am left with the realization that I overlooked so much. She was there during the best and worst times even when tired or otherwise disinterested on her own recognizance. Now I see that I had love in living color but failed to receive it.

I have a strong desire to have her only but knowing "she's not there" Should I keep pushing or give her the space she needs... God - time will tell.


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