To My Heart

The best I can do is write it out in hopes that he will work it out. I have come into this with a renewed mindset trusting that I will be where I am supposed to be as long as I do what's right and maintain a healthy relationship with God. So even when I wake up with bloody noses after having dreams of my teeth falling out, I can be ok to start a new day!

I know you have only been there for few days, but yesterday was truly the first day that I was uneasy about the situation. I have worked on my end to begin to move beyond my insecurities and grow into the man that I need to be. I have long since proven that I am not perfect nor without faults, and am ok with myself being myself.

Our situation is truly difficult because being lonely puts one in an altered emotional and mental state. One that may allow us to do things in which we would otherwise not think of. I pray that we move beyond those uncertain feelings, but I also realize that nothing happens over night.

Earlier this week I sent you some scripture about “seasons”. When I first read the information it brought peace to my soul as I was able to relate our current situation to just that, a season. When we look at our relationship as long term then four days can turn into four months and we will still be ok.

Markia I realize that I can’t do much for the situation beyond being faithful and supporting you the best I can. I can not “hope’ us into a healthy relationship, and as I have become more comfortable with that I believe it is making a better man as a result. I will continue to ask that you work to not assume that I am upset about everything. I know that sometimes when I make assumptions about how you will interpret my actions it is my conscience talking, and maybe that means I feel bad for what I’m doing and I try to put it off on you as a measuring stick to see if it is ok.

I want you to know me. I want you understand me. I want you to be my most intimate friend. I want you to have access to that most private space in my heart, my soul. I want you to go see that Tyler Perry movie. There is a scene in that movie in which Maya Angelou and Cicely Tyson are talking about the type of relationship they fear that too many young people will be unable to experience. I was so overjoyed because what they described is exactly what I have with you in our good times. I guess you can say that it was an “affirmation” . I have been looking for the poem “In and Out of Time” by Maya Angelou it is so prophetically written that I wish to share it with you.

We, on my end are going to be ok, as we work to adjust to this new life. I know that it is still a bit scary and exciting all at once for you out there. I got my first glimpse into that excitement that you feel yesterday as I finally started taking steps with something concrete for my next phase. I don’t know if it’s what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I need to accomplish something and do well with it for my ego. I am truly disheartened by how this football stuff turned out over the last year or so.


Who Am I?
I am an aspiring intellect, inspired by my surroundings to achieve. Because I am not there yet I am motivated everyday that I open my eyes, to challenge myself, to become a better man. While I may fall short some days, I am pursuit of those bad days to be less frequent then those that would be considered a success. I'm hard on me and refuse to become complacent because society says that I should be content with things that I have accomplished to date. I strive to be extraordinary, a change agent, stable, healthy, happy. I am my harshest critic and my biggest fan.

Who are you? What do you think of how I see myself?

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Have a great day!